Every Thing's Gonna Be Alright.

Something is so wrong here....but. I. Can't. Stop. Watching. Fergie. (I own these exact pair of jeans too.)

Meme.

Courtesy of I'm The Loud Friend.

1. What is the color of your toothbrush?
Teal and White.

2. Name one person who made you smile today.
Violet.

3. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Getting Violet ready for school.

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?
Making a mid morning snack...greek yogurt with 1/2 cup fresh strawberries and 1/2 cup Optimum banana cereal.

5. What is your favorite candy bar?
The 'Zero' candy bar.

6. Have you ever been to a strip club?
Yes.

7. What is the last thing you said aloud?
"Put him down" to Paisley...we have a new Chorkie puppy.

8. What is your favorite ice cream?
Chocolate. Sometimes German Chocolate.

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?
Advocare's Spark. (I'm all sporty like that)

10. Do you like your wallet?
Yes. But need a new one.

11. What was the last thing you ate?
See question #4.

12. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
No.

13. The last sporting event you watched?
The Ohio State Michigan game. NOT BECAUSE I WANTED TO. Blech.

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?
Butter and salt. Sometimes cheddar.

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?
Anna.

16. Ever go camping?
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. NOOOOOOOOOO.

17. Do you take vitamins daily?
Yes.

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?
No.

19. Do you have a tan?
I am in Ohio. NO.

20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza?
Yes.

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?
Yes.

22. What did your last text message say?
"I will be at bootcamp tonight."

23. What are you doing tomorrow?
Same as today. The days just roll.

24. Favorite color?
Purple.

25. Look to your left; what do you see?
Window to my backyard patio.

26. What color is your watch?
I do not wear a watch.

27. What do you think of when you hear “Australia”?
A very far far away place. Impossibility.

28. Would you strip for money?
I strip for my husband all the time and get pretty much whatever I want. So in a way, yes.

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?
Drive thru. Only for my kids though.

30. What is your favorite number?
I do not favorite numbers.

31. Who’s the last person you talked to on the phone?
Gina.

32. Any plans today?
Yes. Best Buy and housecleaning. DULL.

33. In how many states have you lived?
Four.

34. Biggest annoyance right now?
Nothing.

35. Last song listened to?
Meet Me Halfway- Black Eyed Peas

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards?
In a long slow thoughtful way. Do you have time?

37. Do you have a maid service clean your house?
I used to. I wish I still did.

38. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
My good old fashioned tennis shoes.

39. Are you jealous of anyone?
Yes. Somewhat. But I'm working through it.

40. Is anyone jealous of you?
I don't know. No one has ever told me they were.

41. Do you love anyone?
This is the absolute dumbest question I have ever been asked. Absolutely retarded.

42. Do any of your friends have children?
Yes. 99% of them do.

43. What do you usually do during the day?
Sit on my ass and eat bon bon's while watching soap operas. That is what one person insinuated I do all day since I'm a stay at home mom. I realized that person had absolutely no respect for me. And has a very distorted view of what a woman who stays home to raise her children actually does. I do not associate with that person any longer.

44. Do you hate anyone that you know right now?
No.

45. Do you use the word “hello” daily?
WTF?

46. What color is your car?
Grey and Black. Honda Element.

47. What size wedding ring do you wear?
6

48. Are you thinking about someone right now?
I'm now thinking of the person I mentioned in question #43.

49. Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Yes.

50. How did you get your worst scar?
At the age of 11 I jumped off a rusty barrel that was sitting just below the surface of the water in a lake. Upon jumping off, I landed on my knees in a mass of broken beer bottles hidden by the murky water. Not pretty. Where the hell was my mother.

Torn From Every Angle

From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed, I am needed. My children need me. My husband needs me. My dogs need me.

The spill on the carpet, the scuffs on the walls, the wood floors, the empty tank in the car, the cold room begging for the furnace, the dishes, the laundry, the empty pantry, the bills, my empty stomach, my heart begging for exercise, the neighbor, the book I started, the blog I own, my spirit, my Lord, my friends, my thirst; It all needs me. Even now, my dog circles around the dining room table where I'm sitting, begging me to fix her need--the need for food. Her bowl needs me to fill it. The popsicle I allowed my youngest child to eat in the living room has left a mess on my leather chair, it needs me to clean it up. My carpets are in dire need of me to have them steam cleaned. I am needed. And yet not one of these NEEDS are things I WANT to do. Everything has turned into a need: Haircuts, pedicures, exercise, eating, shopping, cleaning, driving, cooking, planning, holidays...I even NEED to LOVE my family more.

And need turns to guilt when I don't fulfill its hunger pangs. Some days, I just WANT to lay on the couch and ignore all the needful things. And yet, I am struck by the irony that even that, is something NEEDED.

Burning Cedar

This song reminds me of when I lived in Neah Bay, Washington and would make the five hour bus ride from there to Seattle, Washington's International airport. I'd put my Sony Walkman on with my little headphones and disappear into the awesomeness of A-HA. I was 16 years old. I feel the drizzle of cool rain and the smell of cedar burning in the air. And my heart, my heart was so young.



It takes me back.

The Legacy

Today marked a very sad day for me. Today, not only did I remember my grandmother's passing, but the pastor I grew up with.



Pastor Billy Joe Daugherty graduated into heaven on November 22 and today was his Memorial service. I watched live online. It was four hours long and filled with some of the most inspiring messages from some of the most wonderful speakers. To write how truly life changing knowing this man was for me is something I'm just not able to do eloquently enough. So I won't even try.

I am gripped with a sense of loss that is unexplainable. Yes, he is with our Lord. But it's deeper than that for me. My struggle with God over the past several years has slowly been coming to an end and I am feeling the pull of a renewed heart towards Him. This passing, it seems, as ignited a deep longing to be rejoined with the God of my soul and I feel that that is not something to underestimate. One of the messages came from John Bevere of Messenger International and the writer of numerous books on spiritual warfare, stated that those of us who were under Billy Joe's teachings or pastoralship are considered his children. And that we are to carry on what he started and that we are to multiply his vision. I've been thinking on this. I have been lazy in my faith. I have been mediocre. I have been lukewarm. And after viewing this Memorial Service today, I am inspired and convicted all at the same time. I have much to think about and to pray about. I have been holding on to things that have prevented me from walking in all that God has for me. I have been blinded by my own idea of what I think this life is about and what I should or shouldn't be doing with it. I've not ever really, not TRULY, given it to God and asked Him from a place of total abandon, "Lord, what did you create me for?" And when I say that, I mean from a place of truly being open to actually doing what he says. I've always remained comfortable in my "idea" of what that is.

But this also reignites the inner understanding and drawing to of a personal destiny. Of living a life of true meaning and purpose. I want my children to feel purposeful. I've lost a lot of time just being okay or not okay with the status quo and yet not engaging that in a powerful and meaningful way. Life is so complex. And I have been fearful and distrustful. But things are happening inside me. And change is coming.

I'm Back.

I couldn't take it. I missed this old blog. Like a lover I realized I didn't want to lose, I've come back to beg for our love to be renewed and rekindled. See, I'm already back to my old self. I love my blog here. Right now we are holding each other and staring deeply into each others eyes. The world feels right.

So much to say and so much space to say it in. Right now I feel so much wanting to jump out of me onto my screen here in this posting space. Where to begin?

Well, I've been going a little crazy over on my Flickr site. I've been shooting and shooting and shooting. I've also discovered a few photography things along the way that I can't wait to show you in the near future. All in good time.

My kids got through the summer and the beginning of school.
Paisley started off her first time ever in preschool...two months later..she's out. She had a very difficult time being away from me and at three, it's not imperative that she be forced to do something that causes her unnecessary anxiety. She's home with me and we are having a nice time together. Her personality has definitely changed though, she seems more discontent; the theme of our lives here a Chez CJ.

V is a happy vibrant fourth grader, her final year at her elementary school. Kindergarten through fourth grade. So many memories..this makes me very sad.

I got suckered into reading The Shack. All I will say is that this book changed my spiritual path. A very sincere paradigm shift of healing occurred while reading this book that was un-anticipated and in the end gratefully accepted and most outspokenly acknowledged. And really, I'm very cynical. Read this book.

I've also been suckered into Twilight. All I can say is, I'm not sure I get the sensation of it. That is all. For fear of being lashed 30 times about the buttocks from my dear grown up intelligent women friends. Much love to you all and go on with your teenage selves. I on the other hand may need to pick up a book by Dante to cleanse my bubblegum palate. By the way, Twilight doesn't get a link. My choice.

Have I discovered any new music? Hmm, no. I am, and will always be a fan of the 80's. I have been perpetually stuck in the me decade ever since subscribing to XM radio. Oh and also on school mornings, Radio Disney. Go Demi Lovato. *gag ripple*

It feels so good to be back. <3

Bowing Out Gracefully

Within the next 72 hours I will close this blog. I will be starting a new blog elsewhere.

Thank you to all my readers and lurkers who've contributed to my little piece of the internet. I wish you all a good life and much happiness. I hope that you've been inspired to expand your tent stakes and explore your inner longings as I've tried so hard to do here.

Where-ever you are, Godspeed.

CJ